O conştiinţă bine educată niciodată nu-şi mustră stapanul!

O domnisoara a încurcat ceva în geantă şi în loc de gaz lacrimogen l-a stropit pe maniac cu “Chanel N 5″. Iar cu strigătul “M-a costat 300 euro!” era cat pe ce să-l omoare.

Ion si Maria dormeau impreuna. Maria zice: – Ioane, iti miros picioarele. La care Ion zice: – Daca tu vrei..

O bruneta la piaţă isi cumpăra un mar, o piersica si o banana.Vânzătorul întreabă: – Probabil locuiţi singurică? Bruneta cochet: – Da, dar cum aţi ghicit? – Sunteti dureros de uraţică!

Mama vine cu fiul la doctor: – D-le doctor, priviți, fiul meu are ceva la puță. Doctorul , privind: – Deci, din acest moment puța o numim penis şi începem să tratăm sifilisul.

Cel mai mult urăsc două lucruri: atunci când parlamentarii vorbesc despre corupţie şi atunci când curvele cântă despre dragoste!

Din categoria ingineri: Un numar ia de nevasta o fractie. Dupa o vreme numarul divorteaza de fractie pentru ca isi da seama ca e ordinara

Scufitza rosie Lupul se plimba prin padure si se trezeste fata in fata cu Scufita Rosie. Curios, lupul o intreaba: – Unde te duci, tu, Scufita Rosie? – La izvor sa ma spal la p…a, raspunde dezinvolt Scufita. Lupul se da doi pasi in spate si se reazama, socat, de un copac: – Hai sa-mi bag p..a, ce-a ajuns si basmul asta!

Intrebare la Radio Erevan: I: Cum trebuie sa fie o femeie serioasa? R: Femeia serioasa trebuie sa aiba sotz si amant. I: Credeam ca aia e o femeie adultera. R: Femeia adultera are sotz si mai multi amantzi. I: Credeam ca aia e o femeie usoara. R: Femeia usoara are doar amantzi. I: Credeam ca aia e o femeie pierduta. R: Femeia pierduta n-are nici sotz, nici amant. I: Credeam ca aia e o femeie singura. R: Femeia singura e aia care are numai sotz…

Chuck Norris can touch McHammer

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ Beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting…. CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

-Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

-Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

-If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

-The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

-Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

-Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

-When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

-The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

-What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.

-Chuck Norris affects the price of stock quotes and land values. Wherever he is, prices drop due to the danger of a sudden catastrophe. He bought his own home for 30 cents and one roundhouse kick.

-If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

-The following is a short list of things Chuck Norris cannot do: .

-If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris cannot do, he will appear at your house and perform them all. Your life may be forfeit.

-Chuck Norris once taught a class called “Ass Kicking 101″. There were no survivors.

-Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

-The Big Bang was actually Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking God in the face.

-Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

-Chuck Norris Isn’t funny, stop laughing.

-Chuck Norris has an unbeatable poker face, concealed beneath an even more unbeatable poker beard.

-While a normal poker face conceals the emotion of its wearer, Chuck Norris’s poker face skips all that and just drives other players insane. As a result, the only way to survive a game of poker against Chuck Norris is to play online, and even then you still might go insane.

-When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

-Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

-Q: What’s 30 times Chuck Norris?

A: Oblivion.

-Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

-In conversation, Chuck Norris often quotes himself, and then laughs about it.

-Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

-February 29th only occurs once every four years because Chuck Norris wills it to be so.

-There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

-Chuck Norris really likes the movie 101 Dalmatians. No one knows why.

-Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

-In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

-There’s an old Chuck Norris saying: “He who has the Chuck Norris makes the rules.” It’s one of those nonsensical old sayings, since it implies that someone can “have” Chuck Norris.

-When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.

-A man stopped Chuck Norris on the street and asked him to list 100 Chuck Norris facts. Unamused, Chuck Norris raised one eyebrow with such force that the man disintegrated.

-Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

-Chuck Norris once picked a fight with a duck. The duck turned out to have several 10th degree blackbelts, and was the most formidable adversary Chuck Norris ever faced. Funny how random the universe can be.

-When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

-Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”

-There are no steroids in baseball, just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

-If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete. 2592 8.341

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris. 4802 8.336

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 2130 8.331

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants. 2260 8.328

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. 1839 8.324

Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice. 1624 8.317

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 1226 8.315

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris’ sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime. 1911 8.287

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds. 1679 8.272

Chuck Norris can speak braille. 1596 8.271

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno. 1385 8.175

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.” 737 8.174

Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”. 1391 8.138

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence. 410 8.137

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle. 611 8.136

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves. 283 7.958

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him. 994 7.936

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died. 929 7.928

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 901 7.926

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 980 7.900

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin. 585 7.872

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. 1026 7.869

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas. 1013 7.847

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s fucking beef. 945 7.779

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse. 921 7.760

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 780 7.692

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result. 978 7.658

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris 755 7.649

If you play Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister. 679 7.617

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live. 669 7.608

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 986 7.574

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. 790 7.558

Chuck Norris’ dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone. 785 7.557

Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel. 816 7.551

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. 796 7.511

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep. 564 7.493

Chuck Norris doesn’t pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body. 880 7.477

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up. 777 7.472

When Chuck Norris goes cow-tipping, he lifts a cow up and drop kicks it into the neighboring farm. All the other cows simply tip themselves over to keep from having to walk back in the dark. 29 7.448

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face. 803 7.446

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash. 860 7.430

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them. 761 7.410

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience. 681 7.373

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants. 709 7.357

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain. 741 7.351

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver… and wins. 647 7.340

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone. 524 7.326

Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not “attempt” murder. 392 7.319

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by “knit”, I mean “kick”, and by “sweaters”, I mean “babies”. 955 7.311

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris 709 7.309

Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism. 1001 7.302

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris. 653 7.299

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction. 330 7.294

Chuck Norris can drown a fish. 599 7.282

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this. 654 7.258

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off. 630 7.243

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul. 780 7.240

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep. 897 7.235

Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life. 177 7.232

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box. 598 7.229

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris. 675 7.185

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost. 643 7.173

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris. 776 7.157

Chuck Norris doesn’t need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way. 450 7.153

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn’t dodge Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick. 748 7.148

A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can’t find bigger, better nuts than that. 482 7.147

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. 634 7.131

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further. 409 7.127

Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn’t even in a bowling alley. 173 7.121

Chuck Norris doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, “Now.” 801 7.120

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 735 7.117

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can’t lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is. 750 7.107

When God said, “Let there be light”, Chuck Norris said, “say please.” 809 7.106

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake. 672 7.100

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things. 665 7.087

Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, “Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery.” 687 7.079

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims “6 Feet of Fun” is actually the trademark for his penis. 683 7.063

Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims. 669 7.060

The phrase, “You are what you eat” cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats. 750 7.053

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 634 7.041

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist. 623 7.034

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet. 566 7.021

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 693 7.010

Chuck Norris doesn’t play “hide-and-seek.” He plays “hide-and-pray-I-don’t-find-you.” 626 7.010

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil. 687 7.003

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die. 697 7.000

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing. 677 6.987

Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck’s nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure. 690 6.986

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry. 711 6.982

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn’t real, it’s when he learns Chuck Norris is. 613 6.977

Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says. 618 6.960

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye. 380 6.958

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. 672 6.949

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him. 628 6.949

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, “Please don’t kill me.” Too bad Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in magic. 735 6.925

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris. 718 6.916

The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof. 667 6.891

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. 600 6.888

The only reason Chuck Norris didn’t win an Oscar for his performance in “Sidekicks” is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That’s just suicide. 633 6.885

Chuck Norris once finished “The Song that Never Ends”.

chuck norris poate sa aplaude cu o singura mana

chuck norris poate sa dea foc la furnici cu lupa. NOAPTEA!!

chuck norris a lovit odata un cal in barba..descendentzii acelui cal se numesc acum girafe

chuck norris a inghitzit odata un borcan de somnifere. l-au facut sa clipeasca

chuck norris doarme cu lumina aprinsa … pentru ca intunericului ii e frica de el

zambetul lui chuck norris a readus odata un catzelush la viatza

chuck norris nu are ceas, el hotaraste cat e timpu.

chuck norris a ars odata o padure cand facea experimente cu apa.

Chuck Norris reguleaza toate femeile de pe pamant in secret o data pe luna pe fiecare. Asa se explica de ce ele sangereaza in fiecare luna.

Doar Chuck Norris poate sa omoare doua pietre cu o singura pasare.

Chuck Norris este singurul om de pe planeta care te poate lovi in spatele fetzei.

Chuck Norris a inecat odata un peste.

*chuck norris s-a nascut intr-o cabana construita de el*

*Moartea a avut odata o experienta aproape Chuck Norris.*

De ce doarme Chuck Norris cu lumina aprinsa?

Nu pt ca ii e teama de intuneric, ci pt ca intunericului ii e frica de el.

Chuck Norris nu va face niciodata infarct. Inima nu e atat de tampita sa-l atace.

Chuck Norris nu poarta ceas. El decide cat e ceasul.

Chuck Norris joaca ruleta ruseasca cu pistolul plin. Si castiga mereu.

Cand Chuck Norris taie ceapa nu plange el ci ceapa.

De ce in calendarul lui Chuck Norris se trece direct de la 31 martie la 2 aprilie?

Nimeni nu face misto de Chuck Norris!

Nu exista lezbiene. Doar femei care nu l-au cunoscut inca pe Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doarme cu perna sub pistol.

Chuck Norris a fost deja pe Marte, de aceea acolo nu exista viata.

Chuck Norris nu poate sa iubeasca, el poate doar sa nu ucida.

Chuck Norris stranuta cu ochii deschisi.

Cand merge la culcare, Bau-Bau se uita in dulap si sub pat sa nu fie cumva acolo Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris a reusit sa numere pana la infinit. De doua ori.

Basmul românesc. Caracterizarea personajelor.

Vom demonta astăzi un mit, şi anume că Făt-Frumos este personajul pozitiv din basmele româneşti, iar Zmeul un ticălos fără pereche. În fapt, aşa cum vom vedea imediat, lucrurile stau exact pe dos.
Pentru asta, să facem mai întâi un mic profil psihologic al celor mai importante personaje din basmele româneşti.

1.Împăratul
E un moş senil şi complet incompetent. Singurul merit că a ajuns împărat e că a fost primul născut. Nu e în stare să aibă grijă de fii-sa, prin urmare mă întreb cum mama dracului ar putea avea grijă de ditai împărăţia. Nevastă-sa lipseşte din peisaj, e subînţeles moartă şi l-a lăsat cu trei fete care sigur nu-s ale lui, fiindcă moşul are vreo 70 de ani şi aia mică în jur de şaişpe. Deşi e înconjurat de viziri, dregători, sfătuitori, când e să ia vreo decizie îţi vine să-l iei la palme: primul individ care-i aduce fata înapoi o primeşte de nevastă şi mai ia şi jumătate de împărăţie. Strămoşul său care a întemeiat dinastia se răsuceşte în mormânt.

2.Fata cea mare şi fata cea mijlocie
Sunt nişte strâmbăciuni nasoale, plate şi complexate, care-şi urăsc sora mai mică pentru că e mignonă, are fund, ţâţe, e în centrul atenţiei şi e aia răpita, ba se mai şi mărită înaintea lor. Sunt atât de jenante că nici un zmeu nu le vrea.

3.Fata cea mică
E aia răsfăţata, bunăciunea învăţată să i se facă toate poftele. Mai e şi curvă de mică. Nici nu vreau să vorbesc mai mult despre ea, că mă enervez.

4.Făt-Frumos (Fefe)
De obicei, e unu’ căruia nu i-a plăcut cartea: ori prinţ, ori vreun coate-goale. Frumuşel şi efeminat, metrosexual nativ. Ar fi stat să frece menta în continuare şi să se ia la trântă prin iarbă cu oile, cu fraţii lui sau cu flăcăii satului, da’ vrea să dea lovitura. Şi, când boul de împărat dă sfoară-n ţară cu fiică-sa şi tronul premiu, normal că se prezintă primul. Habar n-are cum arată fata împăratului, dar nici nu-l interesează prea mult, de fapt vrea împărăţia. Şi oricum ştie de la tovarăşi că de obicei e răpită bucata familiei, nu cârjele ălelante două.

5.Calul
E singurul personaj pozitiv din toată povestea care merită apreciere. Înainte de episodul cu jăratec zace slab, bubos şi răpciugos în grajd, ceea ce arată încă o dată că împăratul e un idiot – nu aşa te porţi cu o asemenea comoară. Calul e cel care îi face strategia lui Făt-Frumos, în vorbe puţine şi concise. Nu zice prea multe pentru că probabil îi e jenă să intre-n vorbă cu un oportunist analfabet. În sufletul lui, îşi doreşte să fie în echipa Zmeului.

6.Mama Zmeilor
Este exact opusul împăratul. În primul rând, la ea e sigur că e mama zmeilor. Apoi, a făcut trei băieţi care e fiecare la casa lui, nu două plângăcioase şi-o curvă care stau pe capul lui, ca împăratul. Şi ia hotărâri bune şi de una singură, n-are nevoie de o armată de viziri, dregători, sfătuitori, etc.

7.Zmeul
E un tip hotărât, energic şi forţos. Probabil are un nas cât toate zilele, umblă neras, e păros şi are palmele tăbăcite. Asta ce ne spune? Că e un om care munceşte! A tras din greu ca să ajungă unde e – a ucis, a luptat, a umblat, a jefuit, s-a preocupat de cariera lui! Aşa merg lucrurile pe tărâmul celălalt, acolo nu-ţi dă nimeni un castel că te cheamă împăratul-nu-ştiu-cum. E sigur că Zmeul şi-a clădit palatul cu mâinile lui. Bine, o mai fi avut nişte muncitori pe care i-a mâncat după aia, dar sunt convins că a stat cu ei acolo, pe capul lor, să vadă cum pun ăia marmura în baie, să nu-l tragă-n piept şi să-l fure. Şi mi se pare normal să-i mănânce la sfârşit, ştim cu toţii cum sunt muncitorii.

Mai ştim că are o moşie imensă, populată cu tot felul de jivine ticăloase. Chiar credeţi că e uşor de administrat aşa ceva, să-i ţii în frâu pe toţi ăia? Păi aia nu sunt proşti ca ţăranii împăratului, dacă nu stai cu pleoapa pe ei… Deci, Zmeul e un bun gospodar, un bun cunoscător de oameni, un excelent strateg militar şi un bun trezorerier.

Dar Zmeul e un tip cinstit în sentimente şi cam fără noroc la femei. I-a venit vârsta însurătorii, a stat, a analizat, a cercetat, şi-a căutat nevastă. n-a găsit pe nimeni pe placul lui în propriul tărâm (ce s-alegi din jivinele alea?), deci s-a uitat la vecini. S-a îndrăgostit de fata aia mică a împăratului (ştie ce-i frumos, măcar fizic, şi nici nu încalcă eticheta, ţinteşte la acelaşi rang) şi a procedat în consecinţă, aşa cum cerea tradiţia: a luat-o la el. Aşa a făcut şi tac-su cu mă-sa, şi bunicul lui, şi străbunicul lui, la vremea lor. Aşa e normal: clar, fără ascunzişuri, umblat cu şoalda şi alte prosteli. Pui problema direct: “Te iubesc, te vreau! Treci încoace.” Şi prostul chiar o iubeşte: n-o forţează, n-o sileşte, e romantic, are o grădină cu trandafiri, o-nconjoară de bogăţii, îi face toate poftele. N-am auzit nici o poveste în care Zmeul s-o ţină pe prinţesă legată în beci, goală-puşcă şi să vină s-o violeze când are el chef, după cum ar merita. Peste tot citesc numai de caftane, covoare, tiare, bucate alese, mătăsuri fine, rochii, giuvaere, o ţine-n puf. Omul e familist şi serios, nu-şi uită îndatoririle: se duce-n fiecare zi la muncă şi anunţă civilizat, cu buzduganul, când vine acasă. Şi toate astea pentru ea, ca să n-o sufoce cu atenţie, să-i lase spaţiu, să fie liberă, să aibă matracuca timp să-şi facă unghiile, să nu facă istericale că, vezi doamne, a intrat peste ea în cameră şi-a văzut-o cu masca de castraveţi pe faţă.
Carevasăzică, moldoveanca trăieşte în puf, îi face prostul toate poftele, şi, în semn de mulţumire, ce face? Se amorezează de Făt-Frumos că are părul mai îngrijit şi tenul mai puţin acneic (vezi, n-ai vrut să te culci cu Zmeul) şi se hotărăşte să fugă cu el. Da’ mai întâi încep să se hârjonească în pat, în patul pe care Zmeul cu mâna lui îl cioplise, din nişte buşteni tăiaţi tot de el din pădure, şi-l cărase-n cârcă până la ultimul etaj al castelului, să aibă japiţa peisaj când se trezeşte dimineaţa sub baldachin. Şi proştii ăia doi stau până îi prinde Zmeul, căruia – în sfârşit! – i se aprind beculeţele.
Mai departe. Zmeul luptă corect, Făt-Frumos trişează: bea apă vie de la un corb pe care-l mituieşte, dă cu peria, gresia, năframa; în fine, face tot ce poate să lupte cât mai puţin şi să-i bage pe alţii la înaintare.

Din toate astea, eu pricep că morala basmului românesc e următoarea:
– dacă eşti un şmecher metrosexual şi ştii să profiţi de pe urma tonţilor incompetenţi ajunşi în poziţii de conducere, te aranjezi pe viaţă.
– dacă eşti o fiţoasă analfabetă şi de bani-gata, ai toate şansele să umble toţi după fundul tău şi după averea lu’ tac-tu.
– dacă eşti un tip cinstit, muncitor şi care luptă după reguli, pici de papagal.

Dacă basmul românesc ar fi avut măcar o urmă de dreptate, Zmeul i-ar fi rupt gâtul lui Fefe cu două degete, ar fi luat-o pe proasta aia, i-ar fi dat o bătaie soră cu moartea şi ar fi trimis-o rachetă înapoi la tac-su acasă. Apoi şi-ar fi strâns armata, ar fi năvălit pe tărâmul împăratului şi i-ar fi făcut prăpăd, ar fi violat, jefuit şi ucis tot ce i-ar fi stat în cale, ar fi unit cele două tărâmuri şi şi-ar fi făcut harem bdsm din toate gagicile alea proaste ca noaptea. Pentru că fiecare merită să-şi trăiască propriul basm.