Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas
Chuck Norris can touch McHammer
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ Beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting…. CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris beard. There is only another fist.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isnt lifting himself up, hes pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
-Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
-Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
-If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
-The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
-Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
-Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
-When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
-The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
-What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.
-Chuck Norris affects the price of stock quotes and land values. Wherever he is, prices drop due to the danger of a sudden catastrophe. He bought his own home for 30 cents and one roundhouse kick.
-If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
-The following is a short list of things Chuck Norris cannot do: .
-If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris cannot do, he will appear at your house and perform them all. Your life may be forfeit.
-Chuck Norris once taught a class called “Ass Kicking 101″. There were no survivors.
-Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
-The Big Bang was actually Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking God in the face.
-Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
-Chuck Norris Isn’t funny, stop laughing.
-Chuck Norris has an unbeatable poker face, concealed beneath an even more unbeatable poker beard.
-While a normal poker face conceals the emotion of its wearer, Chuck Norriss poker face skips all that and just drives other players insane. As a result, the only way to survive a game of poker against Chuck Norris is to play online, and even then you still might go insane.
-When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
-Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
-Q: Whats 30 times Chuck Norris?
-Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
-In conversation, Chuck Norris often quotes himself, and then laughs about it.
-Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
-February 29th only occurs once every four years because Chuck Norris wills it to be so.
-There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
-Chuck Norris really likes the movie 101 Dalmatians. No one knows why.
-Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
-In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
-Theres an old Chuck Norris saying: He who has the Chuck Norris makes the rules. Its one of those nonsensical old sayings, since it implies that someone can have Chuck Norris.
-When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
-A man stopped Chuck Norris on the street and asked him to list 100 Chuck Norris facts. Unamused, Chuck Norris raised one eyebrow with such force that the man disintegrated.
-Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
-Chuck Norris once picked a fight with a duck. The duck turned out to have several 10th degree blackbelts, and was the most formidable adversary Chuck Norris ever faced. Funny how random the universe can be.
-When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isnt lifting himself up, hes pushing the Earth down.
-Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”
-There are no steroids in baseball, just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
-If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete. 2592 8.341
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris. 4802 8.336
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 2130 8.331
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants. 2260 8.328
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. 1839 8.324
Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice. 1624 8.317
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 1226 8.315
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris’ sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime. 1911 8.287
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds. 1679 8.272
Chuck Norris can speak braille. 1596 8.271
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno. 1385 8.175
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.” 737 8.174
Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”. 1391 8.138
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence. 410 8.137
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle. 611 8.136
Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves. 283 7.958
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him. 994 7.936
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died. 929 7.928
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 901 7.926
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 980 7.900
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin. 585 7.872
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. 1026 7.869
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas. 1013 7.847
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s fucking beef. 945 7.779
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse. 921 7.760
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 780 7.692
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result. 978 7.658
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris 755 7.649
If you play Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister. 679 7.617
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live. 669 7.608
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 986 7.574
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. 790 7.558
Chuck Norris’ dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone. 785 7.557
Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel. 816 7.551
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. 796 7.511
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep. 564 7.493
Chuck Norris doesn’t pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body. 880 7.477
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up. 777 7.472
When Chuck Norris goes cow-tipping, he lifts a cow up and drop kicks it into the neighboring farm. All the other cows simply tip themselves over to keep from having to walk back in the dark. 29 7.448
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face. 803 7.446
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash. 860 7.430
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them. 761 7.410
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience. 681 7.373
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants. 709 7.357
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain. 741 7.351
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver… and wins. 647 7.340
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone. 524 7.326
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not “attempt” murder. 392 7.319
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by “knit”, I mean “kick”, and by “sweaters”, I mean “babies”. 955 7.311
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris 709 7.309
Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism. 1001 7.302
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris. 653 7.299
Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction. 330 7.294
Chuck Norris can drown a fish. 599 7.282
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this. 654 7.258
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off. 630 7.243
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul. 780 7.240
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep. 897 7.235
Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life. 177 7.232
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box. 598 7.229
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris. 675 7.185
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost. 643 7.173
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris. 776 7.157
Chuck Norris doesn’t need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way. 450 7.153
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn’t dodge Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick. 748 7.148
A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can’t find bigger, better nuts than that. 482 7.147
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. 634 7.131
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further. 409 7.127
Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn’t even in a bowling alley. 173 7.121
Chuck Norris doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, “Now.” 801 7.120
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 735 7.117
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can’t lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is. 750 7.107
When God said, “Let there be light”, Chuck Norris said, “say please.” 809 7.106
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake. 672 7.100
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things. 665 7.087
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, “Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery.” 687 7.079
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims “6 Feet of Fun” is actually the trademark for his penis. 683 7.063
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims. 669 7.060
The phrase, “You are what you eat” cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats. 750 7.053
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 634 7.041
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist. 623 7.034
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet. 566 7.021
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 693 7.010
Chuck Norris doesn’t play “hide-and-seek.” He plays “hide-and-pray-I-don’t-find-you.” 626 7.010
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil. 687 7.003
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die. 697 7.000
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing. 677 6.987
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck’s nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure. 690 6.986
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry. 711 6.982
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn’t real, it’s when he learns Chuck Norris is. 613 6.977
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says. 618 6.960
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye. 380 6.958
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. 672 6.949
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him. 628 6.949
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, “Please don’t kill me.” Too bad Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in magic. 735 6.925
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris. 718 6.916
The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof. 667 6.891
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. 600 6.888
The only reason Chuck Norris didn’t win an Oscar for his performance in “Sidekicks” is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That’s just suicide. 633 6.885
Chuck Norris once finished “The Song that Never Ends”.